Ok, so I am completely lazy and totally worthless. I REALLY HAVE been meaning to update this thing for...weeks. But it hasnt happened so here I am forcing it. Just like you have to force poop from time to time. If you dont force poop, you will create a fecal impaction. Here is my favorite internet blurb about fecal impactions: "A fecal impaction is a large mass of dry, hard stool that can develop in the rectum due to chronic constipation. This mass may be so hard that it cannot be excreted. Watery stool from higher in the bowel may move around the mass and leak out, causing soiling." Ok, so in an attempt to prevent any sort of internet-journal-updating-fecal-impaction-like disorders, I am here. Writing about fecal impactions. I have never personally experienced one but ive been PRETTY DAMN CONSTIPATED. Then when it finally comes out you feel like you are bombing hiroshima. The individual turds are so large and dense that they splash water up into your butt. Its like a free bidet...before you need it. Because then more poop cascades out dirtying up the area again. No but before long you have so much in there displacing so much water that you worry if it will flush alright. Sometimes you have to flush halfway because you know you just have so much up in there. There was a girl in my english class in high school who would talk about her bowel movements. She would describe it in such great detail...the size, the scent, the feeling, the texture, the composition...I really did not understand the poetry of the bowel movement until after I spent many hours contemplating her talks. Next time you are squatting over the toilet trying to expel your demons, breathe in deep...come into the moment. Live in the present, be aware of the MOMENT. Dont let it slip away...really dont let it slip, hold it up for a few seconds. Savor the feeling, the great pain. Then, all at once, relax and let it free. LET! IT! FREE! As the weight is lifted (or dropped in this case) feel your new self. Your new, cleansed self. Keep breathing and contemplating, you might have an epiphany like I did. It will change your life. Stand up and examine the cause of all your ills. Lying there, alone, isolated. Unable to cause any more suffering or pain. Helpless. Each bowel movement has a lesson to teach you. Dont hastily flush it, and miss out. No. Stand over it and feel its presence in the room with you. Each turd is an individual. An individual turd, broken off from one large strand. Intrinsically, they are the same for they stem from the same strand, but they are not. Much like the human race. All intrinsically linked by the fact that we are all humans. All of us have been endowed with the gifts of reason and awareness. All of us are linked by a common background. A thread, extending back into eternity and forward into oblivion. One human family. Feel the similarities between you and the turd, a connection, not only on that level but also in the fact that you created it. YOU created that turd. It is an object of your own biology. As you wipe its remains off your rectum, dropping it into the toilet and covering the turd, think again about its purpose. Everything has a purpose on this earth, and there are lessons to be learned all around us. Say a small "thank you," bow your head, and pull the magic lever. The judgement lever that will whisk away the small turd to his eternal home, with his kin, in the mighty septic tank. As you watch it swirl away, a small tear might run down your face. Dont be sad. Dont be sad FOR THIS IS A JOYOUS OCCASION. Rejoyce in your bowel movement.